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Ten Minutes

October 6, 2012

 SMILE

Oct,06.2012.           Ten minutes

 

It was dark rainy night. I wasn’t afraid, walking  alone through the street. It was the main street,  full of  light,  police patrols, night  trams,  taxis , garbage employes.

When I said that it was dark and rainy, that was my mood.

But I didn’t say enough. I had  to pass my way in ten minutes which  was incredible long and hard in some undescribable way. „Only if I  come there, until then“, I thought, „ I will enter, that entering  is  only one real  scary job, after that I  will start, I will prepare myself and start to work“.

Nothing happened, but I  was vulnerable, like the  open wound which hurt worse than  anything; counting till ten, it was about twenty. The operations, even one on the teeth, didn’t  hurt so much, even delivering a big baby boy wasn’t as bad as this unvisible pain: I only looked as I am  little too sad and serious… oh, yes, I was very serious, all day long. And that was all what had to be seen.

Complitely  exhausted, with drugs in the stomach which were effective only in  my head, I was  little dizzy, just  a bit, I could hardly walk. It was psychological tiredness and powerless. The pain was somewhere in the chests and it burned them like a throat, too.

Couldn’t breathe well, only with stomach and so, walking was heavy. I was afraid like I have to step in front of the big audience  for the first time. I knew  it will pass in a  second when I arrive at  work. And there were  guys,  a few of them, who never bodered with me and, at last, I only had to clean.

I knew it, it was like that every day or night… have chosen the nights to work, but knowing that wasn’t much of help.

 

I also knew that I hadn’t work, but was thinking…wasn’t thinking at all, I  had  to  work and doing  or not doing  was the same thing, it hurt anyhow.

 

The worst was that  loosing concentration, unabling to stop the brain or forcing myself to be  reasonable. That was impossible and I live like that six months, it was culminating till I tried to go on vacation. After that I couldn’t come back at work any more, I have change the therapy and it was  much better.

Just one of many things  which proves me my illness through a  lot  of  years.1343

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