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Ordinary Love

June 10, 2013



Chapter one

I lost you, it’s thundering, got some stories to tell, can’t speak now
I saw you in my mind after a long time. That can’t work, our relationship. Many times and many I was thinking before the Lord how I simply need a man, a husband, but always when think who would it be, I know it could be only you. Nobody else I have in mind. Do not look for a perfect man, but they all have some incompatibilities. You have a lot, there are many obstacles, it’s raining, it’s so good. I need somebody who will keep me, take care for my little emotional situations, I am enough of being always a brave woman.

Here is the story, I slept in the tram, exhausted of hunger an desire for a cigarette. Need somebody who will stop me to do such suicidal things, somebody to love me. Nothing special.
I let some tears go last night. God comforted me. He is the only one who knows, He will take my sacrifice.

Men are hunters and that’s what always bothering me, I am much more clever then they think. But I am too soft , too and so full of compassion and I always wait too long to show my real me and than I run.

The story is not very interesting, but it is about me and it has to be told because of my pore and burning heart. Now I have to take some cherry brandy. The sky is grey and blue, with rain. The candle is still burning, but it is now at the end like my life is in the third age. I have a life for my own now and I am full of society and of trying to socialize all alone. I am full of being without a husband and nobody wants me because of me and because of friendship, just for the money and security. That is the cross of mine, Lord will give me a nice society in heaven, all saints.

The rain is falling so strong that I do not really need anything else for my passion, just have to write. But it is not good what I am writing about. I am in the holy mood now and I do not have an inspiration because I am empty, I have been written a book of poems. All day I think about the money and material things and now I am enough of it.
I am listening Sade. She is so good to me. In our days I can even think that I am a lesbian because I cannot choose the proper man for myself.

„This is no ordinary love“, Sade is singing. But my love is so ordinary for you, and your love is so holy. That burns me up, that is eternal inspiration for me. Forget everything I said. I want only you and I do not want to have you even thou. I am just lonesome and do not want to spend time with anybody, I really do not want that, I am rather alone.

Trying not to start to remember about us, but I have nothing else to speak about, nothing is now worth any speaking when I told the first impression in the moment I entered here, in my shelter. It is so good to be alone here and to think of you and pray the Lord. It is really something. The atmosphere is for my taste ideal for contemplation. You probably know my room is full of crosses and holly pictures and things and there is a bunch of books, some are mine, and there is my machine with Sade and keyboard. I am sitting on the pillows on a nice carpet, the light is perfect, not too strong, I have got my cherry and water, fresh water and have some smokes. The little candle is burning, it will burn off soon, but it doesn’t matter. Atmosphere doesn’t matter. I’m thinking of you, of us and trying to speak English like I am in another country when there are only songs like this and English. It is only important to write and to explore the language and the souls of ours, of everybody because if you are ordinary, you are everybody.

You’re thinking of me, that is my foreboding, I speak to you so much with such emotions and intensity that you have to think a bit of me.
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Chapter two

Speaking without the rime and without remembering is very unusual to me. There is nothing to say. I do not want to make a list of happenings from hour to hour. I saw everything is so expensive and do not want to buy anything, only food. I am not a woman any more, I am not a mother for babies. It lasts twenty years now. I get emotions and feelings three years ago. I had a soul, but that was hidden, God knows how deep. And maybe my doctor knows that. Even I know something.
The other thing is that I do not know such a tiny feelings that I am not use to express now and I have no opportunity.

My bed is upside down, it broke and now I have two beds, one is like a shell to me, little on the wall and little on the floor. That is of the wood and it looks nicer than you can imagine. Now it’s very hot. The sun is here and my cherry brandy.

Everything is better then thinking about emotions. I was often doing not thinking, not just now and the thinking never came. I think I know all about emotions, they depend of what you are thinking. Now, when I want to contemplate emotions of mine, there are two things. One is that emotions are lost when you try to analyze them; the other is that I have a foreboding, I got a feeling that somebody special has deep emotions about me now. There is no way to analyze my emotions like I am the only one in the world. In that case, emotion doesn’t exist. But because they exist, I know somebody loves me very much and softly. That person is not anybody I know, that person is man who expressed his emotions a little towards me and now I, like a little child, not having anybody other, got to back my thoughts on that man although he is not here any more and he does not expressing me the feelings. But I feel it. And that is love, and that is the proof of eternal Gods love. Because that man and I expressed emotions between each other only to get closer to God.

So, without Jesus, the Lord, I would never have such intensive forebodings two years after that man has gone from my life. He has not gone. He is not death probably and probably has emotions for me, he do not have to think of me and that I do not expect, only in the rare moments. Because we had relationship which was full of spirit feelings and we did not have many contacts out of that spirituality, we are now in the same thing, it is no matter if we are close or not with our bodies. I feel him close with a body, with his voice and eyes and all that, but I could call it only a foreboding, feeling and emotion. But emotions doesn’t come without having the person on your mind, I am sure that I am in the mind of that man like he is in my mind and what is the most important, we are together in Spirit , in God who is everywhere and who knows what is in people’s hearts. God was between us and still is in a connection. That is all just because I do not need to thing so much of all that, but everything is always there, in me and that is not only my Lord and my prayer and the Lord’s voice. That man is something like my personal angel. I have the angel like everybody else, more or less, but I have a privilege to have another angel who is flesh and blood, but spiritual. And the spirit is nothing but the Holy Spirit and He is nothing but the God.
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Chapter three

That is how I analyze the feelings, my emotions which are emotions of a very glimpsed person, but emotions are not glimpsed, they have wisdom and purity of an some old spiritual. So, I can’t handle them, the emotions, because they are something I had never had practicing. That emotions are not stronger than my will, but they are so high that I thirst to get know all about them and that is not to have a sex, it is not such a feeling. Maybe many will thing now that I am for the first time in my life in loved and that I need sex, but that has nothing important to do with my forebodings in spirit. I thirst for higher knowing and having sex just can’t do here anything, although many think that love ends with a nice sex, but that is not like that, it could be, but that is really rare, you can see that when you try to have sex when you are in love – after a short time it doesn’t work properly and, what is the worst, people thing that they do not love each other any more.

Well, this is about high cognition which you can get only praying and loving the Lord Jesus. There is no other way. You believe what ever you want, but some day we will meet each other and than you will see that I tried to told you that’s only right thing to do. Love Jesus. And love somebody who also love Jesus. It doesn’t matter how much, it is important how do you believe, the quality of your faith is important, you do not need to have much faith.
You can take a little of cherry brandy, you can think about the money and everything, but there is always something in you that pull you somewhere. Be careful if you do not believe and love Jesus, everything else is the harder way to love somebody and to have him or her for ever.
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