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June 19, 2013

I was asking my fidelity if it does not know for you any more. In some sort of way I do not want to think about you because I’ve learned that it is the better way to hear you clear than when too often think of you.
It passed six hours and more since I prayed The Angel of Lord and almost nothing happened and now I see you’re close.
Don’t want to talk to you, just to make a contemplation so I could see me better in Lord and that I can’t if I don’t think of you because, all the birds know that, you are my way and my connection with Jesus’ Spirit in my deepness and I can find more sins.

What I discovered is that a little child experiences deep soulful life in the same way like the grown person becomes psycho. In that soulful life there is not need for touching any more and there is a desire to get spiritual. That I know from my desire and child does not know, but practice like I am aware that there is no way back for me, I need to touch my inner life more and more. What we call soul looks like a body, flesh and blood and what we call spirit became the breath and the heart of that body which is soul. The soul life is like material life, it is real, it has emotions, feels pain or relief. Spirit has cognitions, knowing. Whole human is acting that drama.
I am a child. I want to push the predator from me, out of me, it has been too long here and I spoke him about the Church and Gospel and than it came a picture of lust, very big lust in my heart, I am breaking two days and nights, that picture doesn’t come out of me. I am not conscious why, where is the cause of that, I didn’t have such a big sin for years and I know what lust can be because I remember my past and some others examples of lust. It can not be mine. And it is in me. And I made a few confessions lately. Can it be my forgotten lust? No, never so big it was. And all I ever felt was a strong passion and desire, but lust was always light and useless because it made of me a corpse mostly. It is Tuesday 2013-06-18 and it is 22:14PM and I hear a lot of noise outside, somebody is shooting or try to make fireworks, but there is no light.
And I got my baby back, I got a feelings for my lost baby twenty years ago that is here, with me again and is grown and I am not worried for him so much any more so now I can feel for him and know what, I feel that time which I had not had when he was not beside me. In that times I frozen my body and feelings, I was in occasion to see him, but had to think hard without emotions. In that time I heard his baby-cry on the phone but had to thing to concentrate about the purpose and common sense, I was thinking why is this happening I had to fight through the phone against panic. So I get frozen myself. When the boy came to me back, I had to think how to raise him and to know him. Now, he is back from the sea and found a small job I prayed so much for all this and never thought that feelings are in me for him. How deep am I in my past but in the present in the same moment!

And that lust of the predator that never showed me it and always looked and spoke in adjectives and sarcasm… well, the fact is that some sin predator does not confess. I’m sick of that and in the same time I feel my son as a baby we just do not need hugs yet. 1806 2249

I had to push it out.
It is hot night again and now I am all broken. Suddenly very tired, but know that doesn’t stop the spirit to contemplate.
I have nothing to think about any more. I have to get rid of that, it is in me and it is a memory of my childhood. When I frozen for the first time? It wasn’t in one moment that’s for sure, I remember. I was psycho than, bigger than now. Lied something but didn’t feel fear of consequences but shame and nothing more or big, never was punished and that is wrong and never ever predator spoke or had a conversation with me about lies or shame or anything; only insulting. If I could cry now! Oh, no, I feel anger and I will put it on the paper, so to say. Anger is a sin, I do not know what I will do, how I will carry me and there is nothing about forgiveness but here and this is only a therapy, only one kind of therapy I can use. At last that anger about they all are talking I knew it has to come once. I remember when I cried ill and spoke to myself: you must feel the anger, I repeated but in vain. Now it is here.
Lust and baby love. One stopped another. I see, predator had to be frustrated all his life. He is not aware he can’t speak or even think like I can. What a fight in my mind! Dear Jesus, just help me right now, let me search what to do with my information how to manage this? It is no use to forgive right now because the anger is logical and has to last for some time it has to find a body for itself let it be this story or some kind of a drama with dialogue. It is not important if it is the question of to be or not to be but the question is what and who to be. Who am I except a psycho and mamma and a believer? If I am not as big psycho any more and I want to be soulful… I know I can be a positive psycho, positive soulful.
I need water, much of water.
I must not freeze. Thanks God it’s hot.
How to be soulful where can I find my soul; my children are not babies any more. It will last some time to make my soul alive, deeper alive.
I am taking plums in the darkness of the kitchen. The next time I lie. When I took the plums I stole them from predator, he insulted me when he found me doing something in the dark…oh, how danger and rude he was, how evil! I was not with myself and had no good feelings it was not only the fear but confusion because there was no logic and I did not know that but my conscious knew. I was confused. Poor child I was. That’s why people are silent when I speak! They are confused because there is no logic between what they think and what I think and I am old enough to know that I am better with logic then some of them and they are not logical because of lust or something, lust of eyes and lust of heart. Mercy on me, my Lord, mercy to my arrogance and thank You, thank You very much, great is Thy glory in ages.
If it is not of me and my childhood I will be alright but it is all about me and illness. Must not be afraid, have to believe stronger.

It is seven minutes till midnight at last it will be the date I think all day it is. 2013-06-18

There are a lot of insects this year, mosquitoes are bothering me.
More three minutes I wait.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013 0:00 at moon
I will try to write more. What I’ve found.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers,[a] do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6
11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
12 f or our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Yes it says about to respect the parents and who is the parent in our days?
Romans 8
14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.


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