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Remarks

June 20, 2013

Remarks

How the things are going my language is the best indicator of my condition.
It is obvious that I am better and better and I have a lot of such signs.
I work on balance by all means.
I do not want to sell only to have all in one place which is impossible but never mind.
I see now a little how terrible were my episodes.

I wanted, no, I did it, I throw my pet through the window and he survived a fall from the high first floor of my building. It seems I have to talk about it because this is the first time I have to imagine how that exactly happened, how is that possible that I done so. But I know still very well how confused and scary I was and people are angry about such thing. I have not to think what people think, I even do not feel as guilty.
There is one thing. The punishment for my acts never came.
I was punished a lot because I was what I was but not what I have done.
I needed a punishment often but it never came when I was prepared to take the responsibility. The punishment was not logical. Predator did not know what is right and what is wrong in the simplest matters.
I mentioned in the first try of writing how my mind needed to throw things. I was obsessed and I am still but not with throwing but with contemplations and writing and so on.
I need to look the predator in the eyes and have a little real talk with them but never can force them to talk, nobody can. My little older sister had some objections but she does not talk either.
Another thing is that I always feel guilty of everything. Now I am looking into the eyes of my guiltiness. My sister feels something alike but I think not as much as I do. She argued very often and I was always silent. She probably cleaned more mass than I did but she can not talk with me and she had friends always. I never spoke about my family because nobody ever ask me a normal question it was always like I do not know what the normal question is and I always answered in the same way the questions were asked, I never told that I know what rare people who ask me really think and want to ask, they did not know how to ask me if I am alright and they knew that I am not alright. Everybody think that I am not aware but it is the biggest lie in my relations.

Nothing or very little my awareness was helpful to me. It is not enough to be aware if you do not know how to help yourself which way.
I really want to go deeper in my soul and in my mind all I said I knew always. I do not feel pathetic and too old to be cured.
I felt guilty as long as the prison can last and I am not in prison any more. Predator gave me some material things as he is saying but they also gave me a long lasting prison so I worked off my guiltiness.
The third thing is that I threw nobody else and that nobody threw me.
Of course, the pet walked away from me later. He was hurt.
I take all the real guiltiness and now it is not the moment to count what things I should be punished for. I think nobody except me and saints on earth has not a wish to cure me. I got only one task and that is to cure myself and everybody accept that but I have to leave all in peace. That is not how the things are going.
2013-06-19 Wednesday 20:43 PM

Ps
This is an addition for all who have pets and for children. I love animals and I love families with lot of children and pets but when I contemplate more carefully I see there are a lot of pets who suffer because the owners do not care properly and there is another extreme when the owner love only animals but do not love any human. That is what I like to contemplate. In my real life I was not violent towards weaker than I am, this was one but very bad example of how I was acting, this was once in my lifetime when I was totally broken in my thinking and feeling so the animal was hurt. He forgave me at once and continued to be my best friend, poor been, and we lived together in understanding when I allowed him everything he wanted because I was sorry and grateful. I was not well but worse and worse and we went in a walk only for an hour or two for a day because I couldn’t concentrate on anything and so one day I left him in front of the house because he didn’t want to go home from the walk . After ten minutes I came out to open him doors, but he was not in front of the house any more and the whole day I couldn’t find him. He knew very well how to open the doors and how to come home but we never found him and I think that he was delighted with his freedom, he was very brave and curious and a little wild. That didn’t bother me, his wildness, but I know he ran for the freedom.
2013-06-20 Thursday 8:07 AM

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