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This Was Not a Dream

June 20, 2013

Mark 8
34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save their life[b] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

I am taking up my cross now because I already decided to follow Jesus and to risk the life and some kind of security. I gained the whole world and I put my soul on the same test like I done with my thinking. The verse of the day is that one which says that you can lose your soul very easy it is Mark 8:36. Yes, I didn’t lost the soul yet presume, but I hurt others. So that is my cross now in the context of the verse of the day, it is obviously to me that I correspond with God in my signs and this is the third day that I found myself exactly in these verses. The same is when I go in the Temple, there are not only forebodings but signs that I follow are in front of my eyes and my heart speaking so directly to me.
2006 849
I can not remember, but I knew how my obsession to throw people was born. I was imaging how it is easy to run through my windows if the enemy tried to break the doors.
That was nothing, I was imaging how I will check that nobody broke in our apartment when we were all in the shelter and nights were dark without lights and full of supposed people who attacking here and there and getting lost and you do know who were they only when you saw who was attacked. I said everybody suspected on everybody, it was easier to take the uniform and went in the forests and mountains to die from the bullet in a normal fight.
After some months of such life full of suspecting and paranoia (we only had a car little broken) I was left alone with a baby and we went to the doctors where the baby get such a wild injection with the vaccine that I thought they shall never see me again. That moment was one of the most important for me to decide to save the baby from around and get him away to his relatives. I was repeating to myself I am not mad can not do anything else, father loves him like I do he is a parent also and the baby is already strong and hungry and maybe all will be alright.
I did not want to accept these facts as finally solution. But the soldier came and was very calm and nice. He often went to the window carelessly and I thought in my sick mind that I could run through the window or push the soldier through. That stayed in my mind like an obsessive and symbolic picture I wanted to get rid of that situation and the fly to the sky will solve the problems I had.
I always look for logical conversation and talk never get it.
It was to choose to do this or that and there was no discussion.
I tried to take the soldier out while the baby was sleeping in his bed but soldier didn’t come after me out. The police came and I was taken to the hospital and the neighbors gave the baby to his father who was waiting on the border and took the baby to himself.
Left alone in my home I threw some things symbolic was obvious but it did not stop my pain in the chest so I decided to throw the father’s watch and felt better it was like I get over something and stayed calm in that situation but neighbor gave me back my watch. Than again I broke and was praying Ave Maria and let Thy be your will but many years passed and I became a psycho which is called a mental damage now; I had a hallucination about the earthquake we were going downstairs, imagine that, and the pet was not allowed to go but somebody let him go. I took him in my hands wanted to save him sending him to the sky and when I felt that he is coming out of my hand I became in the same moment that he will fall down became aware what I done.

That is my cross and I have another crosses but this came because it helps me to arrive deeper in my soulful life and my feelings that are not always comfortable.
I see now that my doings were logical but surroundings helped me to get crazy and predator was very happy because I became bed. That he was always saying.
2013-06-20 Thursday 15:03 PM


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